Saturday, May 23, 2009

My (Not So) Secret Diary

Ever want to read a page out of someone else's diary?

Well ... now you have your chance.

I'm opening my diary, or journal, to you ... to a very private entry that I penned yesterday afternoon, sitting under a giant Oak during a women's church retreat.

We had been given an assignment: We had to have one hour of quiet time, all by ourselves, with God. To get the discussion started with Him, we were given a "word." Our task was to think about how this word described us and what God wanted to tell us about how He saw us.

Here's the catch, though ... These words weren't random, or so we were told. The retreat organizers literally prayed over which words to write down on pieces of paper. Then, they prayed that each person would receive the word that God wanted them to have, specifically. They randomly handed out the words on slips of paper to each of us as we headed out for quiet time.

Now ... keep in mind ... there were nearly 300 women there. As I headed towards the person who was about to hand me my "word," I thought to myself, "This is like a horoscope. Anyone could find anything that could relate to them. There is nothing special about this."

Cynical, yes?

As I looked down at the word that had been placed in my hands, I almost burst into tears. Then I almost laughed out loud, long and hard. I shook my head in amazement. This was not a coincidence, I thought.

And then ... I wrote this entry in my journal book. It's very private. It is secretive. It reveals some telling things about me.

But it also reveals telling things about God. That's why I am sharing it with you.

Here is my not-so-secret entry, written on a grassy hill, under the shade of enormous branches of the old tree:


I am beaten down.
I feel worn -- not pretty or effective anymore. I don't feel like a good mom. I am not a loving wife. I am impatient, harsh, angry, resentful.
Beaten down.
Sometimes I think that I would be better off dead -- in Heaven -- that the rest of the world would be better off without me.
I wish for death.
I feel useless.

And then, You gave me this word:


How did You know I needed this word??

How is it possible I received this word?

You are telling me that You promise to empower me.


What does it mean?


I breathe.
I exhale.
I breathe.

I enjoy breath.
I relish Your Spirit's Presence.
I am one with You.

You are faithful to me.
Your promises are steadfast.
I do not have to rely on myself, my own strength, my own will or pride.

When I am tired, all I need to do is REST IN YOU.


I am not alone.
I am not unworthy of your love, because You have made me worthy BY Your love.
You have made me Your child -- Your baby.

You empower me with all that You possess.

To be empowered by the Creator of ALL THERE IS ... what wonder.

If God is on our side, who can ever be against us???

"You are empowered," He says to me.

"Breathe Me in.
Take in My strength.
You are empowered,
empowered to be a mom, a wife, a friend, a missionary, an apologist, a sister, a daughter, a warrior, a crusader, a truth teller, a witness.


Bring your cares to Him, Heidi.
Let Him shoulder your burdens, fears, worries, anxieties, sadness.
Let Him empower you.

Breathe. Breathe.




  2. A beautiful miracle! Truth be told, you are beautiful; perky; cheerful; always looking to help out somebody; a great mommy; a good wife; a steady witness to others; a truth-teller; a lover of creation; a searcher; a risk-taker; a promise-keeper; an excellent homemaker; a giver and this list just popped into my head in seconds. You are chosen, favored, called-out; anointed...and on and on and on and on and on. Praise God that He made you. He loves you. He hears you. He understands you.Hey. How's that for a gift?

  3. not going to be patronizing not going to try and "cheer" you not going to extoll your virtues or stroke your ego and i will not partake in a pity-party..i will however provide UNDERSTANDING by experience..I"ve been there..i know the suffering..the "dark clouds"..the persistant melancoly..the nagging doubts and confusion...the "DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL" spoken of in Christendom is real for those of us who are in the truest sense of the word "seekers" and there is NO WAY OUT..only THROUGH... for me,drugs and alcohol cushioned the blunt trauma of this REBIRTH..but there is no actual means of escaping it altogether...WE MUST ENDURE THIS 'HARDSHIP' while Christ is being formed in essential part of this "process" involves getting RIGEROUSLY HONEST with OURSELVES...this is extremely disconcerting because we immediately "SEE" that we ARE NOT that "GOOD" person/spouse/parent/christian..ECT..ECT that we have conned ourselves and others into believing we are..this is the beginning of see our deception is to see our need..this "emptying" of the vessel becomes fertile soil for Gods i offer this morsel of encouragement..YOU ARE PROCEEDING ALONG JUST AS PLANNED..THIS IS NOTHING STRANGE HAPPENING TO YOU...GOD IS AT WORK...I PRAY THAT THIS SUFFERING GOES NOT

  4. @Anonymous #1:
    Wow, I did read the blog entry to which you referred me. Excellent and wonderful material. I marveled at her writing but also how she eloquently expressed my own experience. Very encouraging -- thanks!

    @Anonymous #2:
    Thanks for your kind words and ongoing encouragement.

    @Anonymous #3:
    Well said -- and yes I agree with you that when we enter the "dark nights of the soul," this is an opportunity for learning and allowing for God to fill us. You nailed it so beautifully.

    Thanks to all for visiting and commenting.


  5. ...can i get you anything?..tic toc tic toc tic toc....a blankey?..pillow?....tic toc tic toc tic toc..........................

  6. @Anonymous: Pretty funny! :-)


  8. ....Be not resent what you are being shown...just will come........