My (Not So) Secret Diary

Ever want to read a page out of someone else's diary?

Well ... now you have your chance.

I'm opening my diary, or journal, to you ... to a very private entry that I penned yesterday afternoon, sitting under a giant Oak during a women's church retreat.

We had been given an assignment: We had to have one hour of quiet time, all by ourselves, with God. To get the discussion started with Him, we were given a "word." Our task was to think about how this word described us and what God wanted to tell us about how He saw us.

Here's the catch, though ... These words weren't random, or so we were told. The retreat organizers literally prayed over which words to write down on pieces of paper. Then, they prayed that each person would receive the word that God wanted them to have, specifically. They randomly handed out the words on slips of paper to each of us as we headed out for quiet time.

Now ... keep in mind ... there were nearly 300 women there. As I headed towards the person who was about to hand me my "word," I thought to myself, "This is like a horoscope. Anyone could find anything that could relate to them. There is nothing special about this."

Cynical, yes?

As I looked down at the word that had been placed in my hands, I almost burst into tears. Then I almost laughed out loud, long and hard. I shook my head in amazement. This was not a coincidence, I thought.

And then ... I wrote this entry in my journal book. It's very private. It is secretive. It reveals some telling things about me.

But it also reveals telling things about God. That's why I am sharing it with you.

Here is my not-so-secret entry, written on a grassy hill, under the shade of enormous branches of the old tree:

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I am beaten down.
Tired.
Exhausted.
I feel worn -- not pretty or effective anymore. I don't feel like a good mom. I am not a loving wife. I am impatient, harsh, angry, resentful.
Tired.
Beaten down.
Old.
Sometimes I think that I would be better off dead -- in Heaven -- that the rest of the world would be better off without me.
I wish for death.
I feel useless.

And then, You gave me this word:

EMPOWERED.

How did You know I needed this word??

How is it possible I received this word?

You are telling me that You promise to empower me.

Empowered.

What does it mean?

Spirit-filled.
Bold.
Courageous.
Effective.
Fruitful.
Rooted.
Established.
Resourceful.
Willing.
Unafraid.
Joyful.

I breathe.
I exhale.
I breathe.

I enjoy breath.
I relish Your Spirit's Presence.
I am one with You.
I am EMPOWERED!

You are faithful to me.
Your promises are steadfast.
I do not have to rely on myself, my own strength, my own will or pride.

When I am tired, all I need to do is REST IN YOU.

ALL I NEED TO DO IS ALLOW YOU TO FILL AND EMPOWER ME.

I am not alone.
I am not unworthy of your love, because You have made me worthy BY Your love.
You have made me Your child -- Your baby.

You empower me with all that You possess.

To be empowered by the Creator of ALL THERE IS ... what wonder.

If God is on our side, who can ever be against us???

"You are empowered," He says to me.

"Breathe Me in.
Take in My strength.
You are empowered,
empowered to be a mom, a wife, a friend, a missionary, an apologist, a sister, a daughter, a warrior, a crusader, a truth teller, a witness.

You are EMPOWERED."

Bring your cares to Him, Heidi.
Let Him shoulder your burdens, fears, worries, anxieties, sadness.
Let Him empower you.

Breathe. Breathe.

REST.